opium production in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear

opium production in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear.

i still talk to him even though i shouldn't and i'm going to a conference on the other side of the country even though i have no data to present. i have no clue where my life is going and some days i'm more okay with that than others. i'm putting the pieces back together.

but at the end of the day, opium producion in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear...

history

who doesn't wonder where they come from?

who doesn't wonder what happened to the ones they loved before they were here?

gram and pop met at penn state. they got married after dating for a while when pop wound up not going to war. i have the pictures from the wedding in my trunk. it was a beautiful, but simple, wedding. almost what i would hope for. they've been married almost 60 years now. i found out tonight that gram threw a baby shower for mom and me.

grandma and grandpa were high school sweethearts. i have the picture to prove it. they went to prom together. theirs was a not so happily-ever-after. they got divorced a few years after i was born. grandpa drank a lot. grandma was a very metticulous housekeeper, from what i've heard and seen in pictures. grandpa is married to dorothy now. they live in vero beach but i haven't seen him since i graduated from high school. it was nice of him to show up that day. dad didn't... grandma and i spend a lot of time on the phone now. i feel like i was sort of cheated out of a relationship with her when i was younger. grandma won one of the prizes at the baby shower gram threw for mom and me.

i've heard the stories before but i want to hear them again.

and again.

and again...

maybe that's just part of building my own history.

running

'running, running as fast as we can

do you think you'll make it?

do you think we'll make it?

we're running as fast as we can

so we don't get separated'



i'm at that point in the race where i'd like to sit down and cry because i know i won't get to the end i wanted. last year i'm pretty sure i remember telling waffle i was probably making a huge mistake but i didn't really care. i wish i had now. part of me wishes i had never met him, part of me hopes he comes back, part of me thinks he never will, and part of me wonders how different i'd be if he hadn't been part of my life. june 2, 2009 was the critical point. after that, there was no going back.



waffle and i were going to the no doubt concert that night and he text me. 'get me a ticket' he text me his credit card information and was willing to pay $80 for a lawn seat if he would be with me. lawn seats were $10 the night before. when we got to the ampitheater it was pouring like it only pours in florida. he was already there. we got soaked to the skin and the people next to us were sliding down the muddy hill on garbage bags. it was the most fun i've had at a concert.

he held my hand. he wrapped his arms around my waist. we drank beer in the rain and sang along to every song they played. while no doubt played running i was falling. i was in over my head. that was where i fell in love.

after the concert ended we all walked out to the parking lot. he was parked on the other side of the ampitheater. he was holding my hand.

and neither of us wanted to let go.

levis and butterflies

i met him september 3, 2008. i was flying out early the next morning to go to california for a friend's daughter's sixth birthday. i needed jeans. i dragged t to the mall with me and we were on a mission: at least one pair of jeans that fit before the mall closed in a little over an hour. levi's was the last store we went into. he was the only one working and i'm pretty sure he put me in every cut they carried. he liked the skinny jeans best but they were too tight around my calves so after several minutes of back and forth i wound up walking out with 3 pairs of jeans that fit pretty well. so much for one... he was sort of an ass while i was there so i threw the attitude back at him. he asked for my number while i was checking out.

no one had asked for my number before. i got butterflies.

the damn butterflies never went away even though he did.

i have things i want and things i dream of doing and places i dream of seeing.

right now, where i am in life is entirely perfect for me. i'm sitting on an antique sofa badly in need of new upholstry looking around my beautiful apartment that's pretty much empty save for a desk, bookcase and a linen chest that's supposed to go at the end of the bed i don't have yet. i'm okay with that. i'm at a transition point. i'm in between where my apartment was full of my roommates' stuff and where my apartment actually becomes my apartment.

i remember a poem my mom had framed. it was something about being firstborn and getting the family through the 'hamburger years'. i almost think i'll miss this when i get past this stage. my walls are bare and there's very little furniture but there is a sense of potential. life could go anywhere right now. i've learned to be happy with what i have and that if i'm not willing to work for something i must not want it that badly.

someday i hope to be someone's slightly crazy great aunt with the awesome summer house and amazing library and house full of curiosities. someday i hope to be the old bat telling stories that seem far fetched but are actually quite true. someday i hope kids go exploring my home and wonder about the stories of all of the odd things i will have collected over a lifetime.

someday i hope to be a thoughtful as my grandfather (he always thinks about what he says before he says it) and as caring and graceous as my grandmother (i should've taken the etiquette classes like she suggested...) and to truly be myself. i think i'm on the right track.

this adventure hopefully has another 80 years or so. i wonder what people will say at my funeral. i wonder what i will become in the future. if someone had asked me even a few years ago where i thought i'd be now, i certainly would not have given any thought to the field i work in now. i would never have guessed that i'd be the girl who has two dogs and had her heart broken three different times. i would never have guessed that i'd be chasing a second degree with the end goal of attaining a doctorate in something which sounds more impressive than it actually is.

and perhaps most important, i may not have guessed i'd be happy with where my life has gone.

so far...

friends

i have some of the very best friends in the world. i'm lucky enough to have two who are always there for me, never mad at me and always glad to see me no matter what. they cuddle in bed with me and are always in a good mood. i'm so sad they're here on their own time and can't stay with me for the rest of my life.

sarah came home last weekend. what would i do without her? somehow she gets it. no matter how bizarre, impractical, insane, outlandish, unrealistic, or absurd something should seem she has the innate ability to understand where i'm coming from and how to make it all seem okay.

i guess that's what real friends are. they're the ones who see you for what you are and don't want you to be perfect. they just want you to be you.

and to be there.

everything changes but still stays the same

everything changes.

it's still the same though. i'm single again. he doesn't get another chance this time though. i ran into a roommate from sophomore year of college. she lives across the street from me. another lives right next door. the third is married to my ex-fiancee. he's not allowed to talk to me anymore. my guess is she caught him cheating (not new for him...).

my most recent ex is being incredibly immature. he's holding my things that were left at his house hostage. i could only think of two feasible reasons for his behavior. he's either trying to convince his friends (and possibly himself) i'm crazy by making me ask for my stuff repeatedly or he's trying to keep me around. i told him after i have my stuff i'll go away and i have been asking for nearly a month. it's rediculous.

he said last weekend he doesn't see us together and doesn't understand why i'm upset. 'it's not a big deal.' it is to me. he said he hoped we could still be friends.

i don't think so. there won't be another chance. i'm done.