happy

i have almost everything i want. which is perfect. i still have some things to work for and at the same time i'm really happy. i love work. i love school. i love my family. i never realized i could love a kid as much as i love my soon-t0-be niece. i'm really glad my brother found someone who is a good fit for him. i adore his girlfriend. i never thought i'd be this happy.

there is one thing i want that may or may not happen. i'm okay with that i think.

i still miss him, but i'm really glad we're talking now. i don't understand why but i'm stuck.

and i'm okay with that right now.

no regrets

friday will be two months. still in love. still stuck. as bad as it hurt, as bad as it still hurts, i'm glad we're talking again. i miss him. i missed him. it's crazy. he says i'm crazy. maybe i am. i can see him for what he really is. he's human. he's not perfect. he doesn't pretend to be perfect. he doesn't try to make himself seem more important or anything like that i know he's gonna be there no matter what happens if i need him whether we're together or not and i also know that he's gonna piss me off on a regular basis and i'm never entirely sure what to think with him but a lot of the time i know where he's coming from and i know where something's going just bc i know how he thinks about somethings. this is the problem with being very analytical. i am inadvertantly attracted to the most unpredictable, challenging, frustrating people.

time is really a strange thing.

time

sometimes i feel like i don't really belong. sundays are my days. i can spend the day doing whatever i want. usually i sleep as late as i can and then i'll get up and shower and go to starbucks to sit and read or study or write or all of that. i feel like i'm not really part of life. like i'm somehow watching but not really there. almost like a ghost or a shadow. it's not lonely or creepy or anything like that. i just feel separate from the rest of the world. it's not lonely but it is sort of sad. the calm and accepted sad that just kind of comes with knowing what's missing. i hide in memories. i let myself get absorbed in books. i wonder what the world would think if they saw what i see. how odd i must seem to everyone else. i try to surround myself in beautiful oddities-art, music, jewelry, books, clothes... it helps a little. after more than a month i thought i'd feel better than i do. no one's ever had this sort of impact. now i look back and think about what it would be like to go back to any one of the times i fell in love. i wish for that time back. but there is no going back now.

who knew you could fall in love with the same person so many times in just a few months?