opium production in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear

opium production in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear.

i still talk to him even though i shouldn't and i'm going to a conference on the other side of the country even though i have no data to present. i have no clue where my life is going and some days i'm more okay with that than others. i'm putting the pieces back together.

but at the end of the day, opium producion in afghanistan is down and my brother's seen me in my underwear...

history

who doesn't wonder where they come from?

who doesn't wonder what happened to the ones they loved before they were here?

gram and pop met at penn state. they got married after dating for a while when pop wound up not going to war. i have the pictures from the wedding in my trunk. it was a beautiful, but simple, wedding. almost what i would hope for. they've been married almost 60 years now. i found out tonight that gram threw a baby shower for mom and me.

grandma and grandpa were high school sweethearts. i have the picture to prove it. they went to prom together. theirs was a not so happily-ever-after. they got divorced a few years after i was born. grandpa drank a lot. grandma was a very metticulous housekeeper, from what i've heard and seen in pictures. grandpa is married to dorothy now. they live in vero beach but i haven't seen him since i graduated from high school. it was nice of him to show up that day. dad didn't... grandma and i spend a lot of time on the phone now. i feel like i was sort of cheated out of a relationship with her when i was younger. grandma won one of the prizes at the baby shower gram threw for mom and me.

i've heard the stories before but i want to hear them again.

and again.

and again...

maybe that's just part of building my own history.

running

'running, running as fast as we can

do you think you'll make it?

do you think we'll make it?

we're running as fast as we can

so we don't get separated'



i'm at that point in the race where i'd like to sit down and cry because i know i won't get to the end i wanted. last year i'm pretty sure i remember telling waffle i was probably making a huge mistake but i didn't really care. i wish i had now. part of me wishes i had never met him, part of me hopes he comes back, part of me thinks he never will, and part of me wonders how different i'd be if he hadn't been part of my life. june 2, 2009 was the critical point. after that, there was no going back.



waffle and i were going to the no doubt concert that night and he text me. 'get me a ticket' he text me his credit card information and was willing to pay $80 for a lawn seat if he would be with me. lawn seats were $10 the night before. when we got to the ampitheater it was pouring like it only pours in florida. he was already there. we got soaked to the skin and the people next to us were sliding down the muddy hill on garbage bags. it was the most fun i've had at a concert.

he held my hand. he wrapped his arms around my waist. we drank beer in the rain and sang along to every song they played. while no doubt played running i was falling. i was in over my head. that was where i fell in love.

after the concert ended we all walked out to the parking lot. he was parked on the other side of the ampitheater. he was holding my hand.

and neither of us wanted to let go.

levis and butterflies

i met him september 3, 2008. i was flying out early the next morning to go to california for a friend's daughter's sixth birthday. i needed jeans. i dragged t to the mall with me and we were on a mission: at least one pair of jeans that fit before the mall closed in a little over an hour. levi's was the last store we went into. he was the only one working and i'm pretty sure he put me in every cut they carried. he liked the skinny jeans best but they were too tight around my calves so after several minutes of back and forth i wound up walking out with 3 pairs of jeans that fit pretty well. so much for one... he was sort of an ass while i was there so i threw the attitude back at him. he asked for my number while i was checking out.

no one had asked for my number before. i got butterflies.

the damn butterflies never went away even though he did.

i have things i want and things i dream of doing and places i dream of seeing.

right now, where i am in life is entirely perfect for me. i'm sitting on an antique sofa badly in need of new upholstry looking around my beautiful apartment that's pretty much empty save for a desk, bookcase and a linen chest that's supposed to go at the end of the bed i don't have yet. i'm okay with that. i'm at a transition point. i'm in between where my apartment was full of my roommates' stuff and where my apartment actually becomes my apartment.

i remember a poem my mom had framed. it was something about being firstborn and getting the family through the 'hamburger years'. i almost think i'll miss this when i get past this stage. my walls are bare and there's very little furniture but there is a sense of potential. life could go anywhere right now. i've learned to be happy with what i have and that if i'm not willing to work for something i must not want it that badly.

someday i hope to be someone's slightly crazy great aunt with the awesome summer house and amazing library and house full of curiosities. someday i hope to be the old bat telling stories that seem far fetched but are actually quite true. someday i hope kids go exploring my home and wonder about the stories of all of the odd things i will have collected over a lifetime.

someday i hope to be a thoughtful as my grandfather (he always thinks about what he says before he says it) and as caring and graceous as my grandmother (i should've taken the etiquette classes like she suggested...) and to truly be myself. i think i'm on the right track.

this adventure hopefully has another 80 years or so. i wonder what people will say at my funeral. i wonder what i will become in the future. if someone had asked me even a few years ago where i thought i'd be now, i certainly would not have given any thought to the field i work in now. i would never have guessed that i'd be the girl who has two dogs and had her heart broken three different times. i would never have guessed that i'd be chasing a second degree with the end goal of attaining a doctorate in something which sounds more impressive than it actually is.

and perhaps most important, i may not have guessed i'd be happy with where my life has gone.

so far...

friends

i have some of the very best friends in the world. i'm lucky enough to have two who are always there for me, never mad at me and always glad to see me no matter what. they cuddle in bed with me and are always in a good mood. i'm so sad they're here on their own time and can't stay with me for the rest of my life.

sarah came home last weekend. what would i do without her? somehow she gets it. no matter how bizarre, impractical, insane, outlandish, unrealistic, or absurd something should seem she has the innate ability to understand where i'm coming from and how to make it all seem okay.

i guess that's what real friends are. they're the ones who see you for what you are and don't want you to be perfect. they just want you to be you.

and to be there.

everything changes but still stays the same

everything changes.

it's still the same though. i'm single again. he doesn't get another chance this time though. i ran into a roommate from sophomore year of college. she lives across the street from me. another lives right next door. the third is married to my ex-fiancee. he's not allowed to talk to me anymore. my guess is she caught him cheating (not new for him...).

my most recent ex is being incredibly immature. he's holding my things that were left at his house hostage. i could only think of two feasible reasons for his behavior. he's either trying to convince his friends (and possibly himself) i'm crazy by making me ask for my stuff repeatedly or he's trying to keep me around. i told him after i have my stuff i'll go away and i have been asking for nearly a month. it's rediculous.

he said last weekend he doesn't see us together and doesn't understand why i'm upset. 'it's not a big deal.' it is to me. he said he hoped we could still be friends.

i don't think so. there won't be another chance. i'm done.

food

i am becoming a foodie.

that sounds like a very odd statement when coming from someone who spent more than a decade struggling with annorexia and has never had a particularly great relationship with food. there were always things i liked-chocolate, coffee, cheeses... but i've liked the guys i've dated (would even go so far as to say loved a few of them) but that doesn't mean we had a good relationship. for a while before i started rehab i honestly convinced myself that i didn't need calories as long as i was getting appropriate vitamins and minerals. clearly, there was no relationship with food at that point.

i like to cook. i've always liked to cook. i like being thin and i've always liked being thin. but somewhere along the line it went beyond liking to be thin. i'd cook for the people around me but eat very little myself. i was the only skinny chef my brother would trust. rehab was hard. it didn't come close to fixing everything. in fact, it made a lot of things harder. then again it usually is hard to change bad habbits and even harder to change things you don't necessarily want to change.

the first life-altering revelation to radically change my relationship with food came to me courtesy of oprah. she had michael pollan on to discuss a new book-food rules (which i read cover to cover). one of the rules he discussed on the show was that we should be eating food, not food-like substances. it suddenly occured to me that the first step to a good relationship with food was maybe eating real food. like stuff that goes bad (another one of his rules) and using common sense when i choose what to eat. sure, it's easier to grab a box of something to snack on but chances are it's not something i should eat.

the second life-altering revelation was that food is fun (this one was courtesy of ratatouille-definitely LOVE kids' movies). i love art. i love music. i love theatre. i love color. and watching a rat redefine food in a city i'm dying to visit made it that much more fun. the possbilities are endless, yet people tend to eat the same things over and over again. i could eat something different every day for the rest of my life and not have tried everything.

the third life-altering revelation came a while after the first two. i began to eat better and suddenly i realized i began to feel better. i don't think i've ever felt this good in my life.

and i like grocery shopping now.

accountability

i remember being 5 or 6 and my mom was yelling at me to go clean my room. so i did. and it only took maybe 20 minutes. so why haven't i done that since then? i'm looking at what i have been doing for the past few months and seeing anything i need to take care of gets put on hold as long as humanly possible. it would probably take a lot less energy in the long run if i just took care of it. bills, cleaning, laundry, schoolwork... it would be so much easier if i just did it.

so why can't i find the motivation to do it?

maybe i'm just not very good at setting and achieving goals. the setting part is probably the main problem. maybe if i set time limits on everything i could actually get more done... maybe i'll try that this week and see how it goes. i do have a deadline to get everything done now. my aunt is coming down toward the end of the month and i really don't want her to see my apartment as is. why do i procrastinate so much?!?

stupid internet. keeps closing me out of my browser so i just lost a post. oh well.

didn't do as well as i wanted to on my exam. i'm mad at myself. must. study. more.

prince charming forgot his name this week so i'm done trying for now. he'll track me down when he decides he wants to. i'm over it. waste of my time and energy to even try to be nice to him. he gets his panties in a twist and decides i annoy him. like he's so accomodating or tollerant...

now that i have money coming in again, i think it's time to take care of a few things. hair, make up, clothes, SHOES! i can rock a lab coat, 6 inch stilettos and your whole world. it's easier if the stilettos are in the closet though...

i have a new minor obsession with lady gaga. not entirely sure why. maybe i'll update my ipod later today and go running if the torado warning goes away...

i need to study today. major exam tomorrow. i'm tired of the let down. it's coming from everywhere now so i guess it's stupid of me to expect anything from anyone. so i won't anymore. it's kind of funny though that the people i'm supposed to be able to rely on are nowhere to be found right now.

i'm sick of the temper tantrums and being blamed for things that aren't my fault. we're back to where we were the last go around where he swears he's not mad at me but won't talk to me and avoids me. whatever. i don't have time for his crap. i might be working as a nanny again but i'm not his nanny. he doesn't want to do anything or go out or see me so i guess i'm done trying. it's a complete waste of energy. i like him a lot but i don't think i like anyone (except maybe my niece) enough to put up with this.

and the funny part is that he's going to kick himself when i walk away and don't come back. he doesn't want the committment and he's still stuck on his little fashionista. i'm pretty sure it was a similar story with them. i guess he sat on the fence and never really made a committment and she bailed and 'slap-chopped' his heart. whatever. it's not my problem. he likes to say i'm negative and i'm drama. i don't cause drama. the vast majority of my 'drama' is what he's created. i do sound negative when i'm frustrated and stressed out. i've suggested we go out. i get no answer.

i'm done trying if he won't make an effort.

i have the organization and development of the nervous system to contend with.

it really irritates me when my mom avoids me and the boy claims he's not mad at me but doesn't speak to me at all. it really irritates me that so many of my friends expect me to drop everything for them but can't be bothered to help when i need it. i'm really not a fan of all of the stupid stuff right now that i have absolutely no control over whatsoever coming back to bite me. i didn't do anything so no one else should take out their crap on me. i'm sick of being blamed for things that i not only have no control over, but didn't cause and was not involved in. i'm tired of being compared to other people. i'm not the most fashionable and i'm not the most confident all the time but i am one of the smartest and i am one of the most patient. maybe i should be less tollerant. i shouldn't have to put up with this.

i don't mind walking on air but really hate it when everything's up in the air. my classes are set but i may have to drop one of them if this job works out. it's sorta strange though, i have no clue where my next paycheck is coming from or how i'm going to pay bills and i'm still not as stressed out as i was in the lab. it won't be long before it becomes clear that i was not the issue in that lab. if i'm lucky, i'll find a job soon and can set up my schedule for the week and i'll find a way to survive this semester. looks like i'm going to san francisco next summer so i do have that to look forward to. i love travelling.

so this is the new year...

'so this is the new year... i don't feel any different'

but this year i do. i no longer work for the devils who can't afford (or appreciate) prada. i swear my bloodpressure dropped a good 30 or 40 points after i left monday. i was told i was being fired for the same issues i've been trying to discuss with my boss for six months. i'm going to miss the paycheck but i'm so glad i don't have to go in anymore. a few mornings ago i woke up and he asked what time i had to get up. for the first time in a few years, i didn't have to go anywhere. i went back to sleep and didn't get out of bed til noon. i sleep a lot better now. i eat a lot better now. i just feel better. i should've listened to everyone who was saying i was working too much. i've missed out on a lot. i love research but it wasn't worth doing something i love if the people i have to work with will go to extremes to give me an ulcer.