for a little while, i didn't feel alone.

i rolled over and shut off the alarm. read the text but it didn't really sink in. i reread the text as i walked back to the living room after getting a drink. it sunk in and i felt like all of the air was being sucked out of my lungs and i just collapsed. my legs didn't work anymore and everything hurt. i could not stop crying. i tried and i couldn't. i feel stupid. i feel alone. i have never been as hurt as i am right now. i trusted him and i believed what he said and he bailed. just walked away. somehow, i managed to make it through today without crying even though i'm ripped apart inside. even if he knew how bad i hurt right now i doubt he'd care at all. he's just not into it anymore. i was happy with him. my favorite thing in the world was when we were lying in bed and he just held on to me or ran his fingertips up and down my back. i got butterflies every single time he kissed me. i really did trust him and i really believed him when he said on the way home that he wouldn't hurt me. can i go back to the beginning of july? i didn't know anything could hurt this much.

i wish i could hate. he hasn't responded to anything all day. if he doesn't respond, then he has the control. whatever. i know tomorrow he'll tell all of his friends i'm crazy and it's all my fault. i'm needy i'm sure. i just wanted to go out with him. i just wanted some time with him and not with him and all of his friends. now i don't know what to say. i didn't think i was asking much. i feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. i want to get in bed and stay there for a week. this is so hard. i trusted him. he asked me to trust him and i did. i was comfortable with him and that had never happened before. i got butterflies when he kissed me and nothing could upset me when i was lying in bed with him. now i just feel completely abandoned. i loved going to get lunch with him. i loved just watching tv with him. but he "can't do this anymore" and i'm crushed.

he just completely walked away. it's not worth it to try because everytime i find someone i like and like to go out with they walk away. so i'm done. i'm trying to hold it together because there's no use crying over spilled milk but it's not easy and i didn't think it would hurt this bad. one of the few times in my life i feel like i've actually lost something.

i'm sure all he feels is relief.

5:15 this morning my alarm goes off because i forgot to turn it off. i have a text. i check the text. i have been up since 5:15 because i couldn't go back to sleep. disappointment and hurt have totally taken over at this point.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm just not into it. We'll discuss it in person asap. Sorry, just need to be honest."
fuck his honesty. he sat there and told me how i could trust him and how he wouldn't lie to me. i could tell him when i want to go out and we'd go out. i'm amazing. he gave me this whole song and dance on the way home from ohio about how great i am and how cool he thinks i am.

guess not.

so there are a few people who truly appreciate everything i do for them and tell me they appreciate it. the band moms i help are the absolute best! i'm working another rays game on sunday because one of the moms got sick and they have no one who knows how to do money now. this works fantastically for me because i can sit and study in between drops and stuff. the moms have always said thank you and always tell me how much it means to them that i help. the kids think its kinda cool that i still show up and help when i can. it gives me the opportunity to show them that they can do a lot with very little and if they want something they can have it if they work for it. they also see that i don't need to be there and i'm only there to give back to a program that made a difference for me. the extracuriculars that kids are involved in are so hugely important to their development as individuals. many teach things like hard work and cooperation and dedication. these programs teach commitment and perseverance. these kids see people donating their time and their money and their knowledge to help them grow and that makes a difference to them. one of the kids asked why i work the rays games with them. i told them i think it's very important to give back and to 'be the change you want to see in the world'. i don't have the musical or marching tallent to help them on the field but i can help them raise their fees. i can't write a check and i can't hand over money but i can do something to help them and i feel it's important that every child who wants to be involved in something like the band have that opportunity. this is how kids learn. this is how we create changes in society. i really feel volunteering is important because it benefits so many. so i might not be directly compensated for the time i put in.

last year, i had a student tell me that he wouldn't have submitted his college applications if i hadn't yelled at him. he said that as we were walking from the music department to the student center on campus. i suddenly remember the last marching competition of his senior year in high school. i asked him where he was going to college and where he had applied. he told me he hadn't because he thought he couldn't write a good entrance statement. i told him he was being really stupid for one of the smartest kids i've worked with and i'd definitely be willing to review his statement if he thought he needed help. i didn't think anything of it, but it made a huge difference for him. he gets his bachelor's degree in another year and a half.

i know what seems small to one person can be life-altering to another.

today will be a 12 hour day at work with no break. but i still don't work hard enough and don't do enough here. i've sacrificed relationships and given more than maybe i should have to succeed here. yet, i don't seem to have anything to show for everything i've given up. what i do have right now is a rediculous stress level, a boyfriend who won't talk to me, more work than i know what to do with and an almost desperate hope of escaping a lot of this for even a day. but that won't happen. i am trapped beneath the never-ending barrage of school work and work work and have no one who will go out with me when i can manage to pretend i'm not here for a few hours. i do too much for too many people. there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. there's nothing there for me at the beginning of the day. i used to dream about doing things and going places. now it all seems very naive. i used to believe the things he said about me. now i think i trust too easily and must truly be stupid. if he meant what he said, he'd be here. he'd talk to me. how stupid of me to think that someone would think that highly of me.

no one notices how much i do or how hard i try, but everyone is incredibly quick to point out where i've screwed up or let them down.

limbo

i'm so glad my ex is a better friend than he ever was boyfriend. we talked last night. i know how i'm going to handle work issues now. i'm beyond what i'm willing to handle with them. now i'm not sure what to do about my boyfriend. it seems like everything he said on the way back from ohio was total and complete bullshit. i never know what to think and lately it seems like he's been irritated with me but won't talk to me about it. makes perfect sense. so i ask and i get no response. i like him a lot. i'm left with no answers and minimal communication. one would think i'd get used to hanging out in limbo. i seem to spend a lot of time here...

the joys of work...

i am expected to do and know and solve and schedule and trouble-shoot and produce a lot of things at work. in order to accomplish this i am supposed to be psychic and capable of reading volumes of previous work and have everyone's schedule memorized and know how to do a lot of very complex calculations in my head instantaneously. i am supposed to possess U.N. negotiation skills and have the efficiency of a small army and know how to fix any little thing that is broken. i am expected to sacrifice a personal life and forget i know people outside of work and pretend i don't need a lunch break. i am supposed to memorize catalogues of stuff we may order and take messages for everyone and remember exactly how much of everything we need for each project. i am expected to master all of the various solutions used at any given point in time and understand that everyone else's work/school will be more important than mine.

so while i'm fixing and solving and negotiating and mediating and reading and figuring and scheduling and producing and troubleshooting and calculating and doing am i supposed to wonder if i've made a huge mistake?

feel it, breathe it, believe it and you'll be walking on air
go try, fly so high and you'll be walking on air
you feel this unless you kill this
go on and you're forgiven
i knew that i could feel that
i feel like i am walking on air

i am walking on air

~kerli