ignorance-a rant about american stupidity

i find it slightly disturbing that so many take so much for granted here. i've lived overseas and where i was, most people thought americans are glutenous, selfish, ignorant people who are incapable of recognizing what we have here. education is not free everywhere. clean water is not free everywhere. mosquito nets are not just for decoration everywhere-in some parts of the world they are an integral part of disease prevention. as a nation, we are supposed to be world leaders in so much-medical innovation, technology, research... but we can't even produce students who can tell you the difference between an asterisk and an ampersand or do long division. swear to god, had a girl in an UPPER LEVEL course who couldn't calculate blood alcohol concentration because she didn't have a calculator and couldn't remember how to do long division. so these are the students we're not only passing through a BASIC education, we're handing them COLLEGE DEGREES and then we wonder why the rest of the world looks at us with total and utter disgust. the average 'middle class' home where i lived in the carribean was a two room shack which may or may not have indoor plumbing. a carton of orange juice was $14 Bajan which is $7 US. these people call cable tv 6 or 7 channels, half of which will be in a language other than one you understand. sure, it's a tropical paradise, but work is hard to find and everything is rediculously expensive. and i know it gets a lot worse than that in other parts of the world.

and yet, so many americans walk around like they are entitled to so much. but they shouldn't have to accomplish anything. of course not. 'i'm not going to college so i don't need to know how to do basic algebra or understand the scientific method or know any proper grammar.' sorry, a house or apartment with air conditioning and cable and electric is not owed to you simply because you were born in the states. health care and wellfare checks are not owed to you because you were born in the states. i can understand and sympathize with people who need help getting back on their feet or really, truly can't do it on their own. if you make no effort to improve your situation, you don't deserve a thing. if you are unwilling to learn the skills necessary to hold a stable job with a livable salary, you have no right to bitch about being stuck in the ghetto. there are opportunities and resources available to those who really want to find and utilize them.

it's the people like the girl living on my couch (and her ex boyfriend) who really piss me off. she's 20 and he's 22. they live off of his unemployment checks. both are more than capable of working, yet neither do. he's 'going back to school' and mommy and daddy pay for everything. she quit her job in august and has been living in my living room and watching mtv all day for the past two months. nobody owes them a goddamned thing but they still love to cry about how hard life is. while both of my parents may have serious faults, both have (and have instilled in us) a tremendous work ethic.

i am not afraid to work for what i want and i am proud to give back to organizations that make a difference in kids' lives.

fall

fall is normally my favorite time of year. this year, it's a little rough for me. i don't want to deal with the holidays this year. i don't really want to go out. i make myself though, because i know i need to. i have fun while i'm out but...

miss deborah suggested i start dancing 4 days a week. i like that i can't think about anything but ballet when i'm there. it might be a good idea for me. the last week has been a nightmare for me. i'm doing some pretty amazing things every day but something's missing.

the leaves were already changing when we were in ohio. my cousin said there was an inch of snow on her car this morning. it's finally getting cool here. i think after i'm done with school and post doc i need to go somewhere that's not too cold but has seasons. i love seeing the leaves change. i also love going to the beach and just sitting when it's a little cooler out. might limit me when i go to find a job, at least geographically, but i don't think i could be happy away from the water.

i feel a little lost...

i'd rather be dancing

my doctor's office called yesterday to tell me they found some cancerous cells and need to take a closer look. i don't want to know, even if i need to. what if i need chemo or something? i won't have health insurance after this year.

he messaged me last night to let me know he finally got his satin cow mice. he thought i should know. i miss him a lot. every now and then, i'll see something he posts or hear something he says or remember something we did and it's like it's sunday all over again.

like popping stitches. it almost hurts worse each subsequent time...

dance seems to be going pretty well. i need to work on improving flexibility pretty fast. i've been told at each class that my form is beautiful and no one believes me when i tell them i've had no formal training before now. some people laugh at me when i tell them i'm taking ballet to get back into shape. i don't think they have any clue how extremely demanding it is, both physically and mentally. i'm sure it gets a lot easier once you start to automatically do things like remember where your shoulders and hips should be and to tighten every muscle in your core to maintain posture while moving, counting and listening to the instructor. when i'm dancing everything outside of the room and the mirror and the bars and the pointe shoes no longer exists. it requires more focus and more attention than anything else i've ever done. it's definitely a good thing for me and i really love it. i feel so much better about everything after dance. before dance, too. i look forward to dance nights and i feel like a different person when i leave. it's kinda cool actually.

'i feel like i am walking on air'

i'd rather be dancing.

if i had said what i thought, said what i still feel, would it be any different now?

i'm walking through this surreality where i am constantly accosted by memories and thoughts and feelings and i am forced to wonder how much of it is real and how much is nostalgia seen with muted affect. it almost feels like walking through the snow just before the sun comes up when the whole world is still asleep and there's no sound and every color seems dull or tired. but it's not winter and it doesn't snow in florida and the rest of the world sees everything the way it's supposed to be.

'i don't want you in my life right now-or maybe ever.'

i'm waiting for the color to come back...

'wake up naked drinking coffee making plans to change the world while the world is changing us
it was good good love
we used to laugh under the covers maybe not so often now
the way i used to laugh with you was loud and hard
stay or leave i want you not to go...'

but he did. i loved lying in bed next to him. i loved waking up next to him. he always used to get up before me. at least during the summer he would. he would make coffee and by the time i pulled myself out of bed he'd be in the kitchen either fixing his breakfast or cleaning up. i would just sit with my coffee watching him and thinking about how amazing he is.

i miss the butterflies.

i miss him.

i'm pretty sure he hates me now. i don't understand. i tried. apparently i was supposed to know what he wanted and what he was thinking. he doesn't want me in his life right now. i deleted his number so i don't call or text now. he's gone.

so i try to keep myself busy. i think ballet is going to be a very good thing. i felt good when i left last night. i'm sore as hell today and glad for it. i feel like i'm trying to pull myself out of a hole. i feel like i'm finally building muscle. i need shoes and tights by monday. i want the discipline and i want the body and i want the strength. i can't think about anything but dance when i'm there. too bad its only two days a week...

ten days.

ten days and he's still finding ways to hurt me. i went to get my stuff last night. he's not the same person. he doesn't care. 'i don't want you in my life right now-or possibly ever.' i finally figured out how to hide his updates from my news feed on facebook. i didn't bother telling him he completely destroyed me when i went over there last night. there's no point.

i'm not sure which is worse-how much i still care about him or how little he cared about me.

ballet fit tonight. i'm excited, nervous. i hope i'm sore tomorrow. i keep waiting for something to change. anything. now i'm hoping i'll either get what i want from everything i'm doing now or i just won't want it anymore. i don't like anything where you can't clearly see progress or change.

eight days.

i can't cry anymore.

found ballet fit classes right around the corner from my house. fuck the therapists who say it's not a good idea. i had major issues in rehab because i didn't want to give up that much control over my life. they told me it was normal and that i had to to get better. how much better did i really get if i'm having problems now? i mean, yeah i gained weight and stopped running for hours on end but now i have this disgusting drive to drop 10 pounds. i can't lose 10 pounds and i know it. i'm afraid to try to work out on my own because i don't want to completely overdo it. i was told ballet would further damage my body image. that's what i want to look like and that's how i want to feel and it's not unrealistic for my body type. if i go back to dancing, i can't quit eating. body cannot handle the demands i'd be putting on it without food. seems like a more effective way of dealing with it than what they wanted me to do: low impact, calming, zen. um, no. not demanding enough for me. if there is no demand and no challenge, i fail miserably because i lose interest and/or can't see the point of putting forth the effort. i need to be able to work toward something or i start to see my confidence fade. well, it's practically gone now.

i miss him and part of me wants to hate him. i can't though. 'i wish you would take better care of yourself'. i need to try this my own way now. i wish things were different. heartbreak sucks. i never thought someone could change me this much. i never thought it would hurt as much now as it did that morning...

so i'm seriously trying not to care. it's not working. what to do now? hmmm... becoming totally self-absorbed sounds good right now... maybe that'll work. he thinks i'm terrible and annoying and everything. i knew i was making a huge mistake. i knew he was going to hurt me. he told me to trust him. how freaking stupid of me.

i need to change something.

i guess it doesn't matter what happened. i went to the mall yesterday and felt a lot better after a trip to the MAC counter. think i just started a new love affair... the girl there was so cool. i'll be going back when i get paid. scheduled an appointment with beatriz. i want my long hair back but for now i want all of my streaks back. i think i want her to put more of the really dark streaks in this time. i really wish i could hate him but i can't. i know i didn't do anything and he's just lost his mind but that doesn't help me much right now. ross made a comment that made me realize minimal effort on my part makes a huge difference in how people see me. thought that was pretty cool. no one ever says anything so it didn't always seem worth my while. i was 20 before anyone told me i was pretty. i don't wanna be the girl next door anymore, so i won't be.

small changes. huge results.

trim down. tone up.

lather. rinse. repeat.

add coffee and loud music and watch her go...