found ballet fit classes right around the corner from my house. fuck the therapists who say it's not a good idea. i had major issues in rehab because i didn't want to give up that much control over my life. they told me it was normal and that i had to to get better. how much better did i really get if i'm having problems now? i mean, yeah i gained weight and stopped running for hours on end but now i have this disgusting drive to drop 10 pounds. i can't lose 10 pounds and i know it. i'm afraid to try to work out on my own because i don't want to completely overdo it. i was told ballet would further damage my body image. that's what i want to look like and that's how i want to feel and it's not unrealistic for my body type. if i go back to dancing, i can't quit eating. body cannot handle the demands i'd be putting on it without food. seems like a more effective way of dealing with it than what they wanted me to do: low impact, calming, zen. um, no. not demanding enough for me. if there is no demand and no challenge, i fail miserably because i lose interest and/or can't see the point of putting forth the effort. i need to be able to work toward something or i start to see my confidence fade. well, it's practically gone now.

i miss him and part of me wants to hate him. i can't though. 'i wish you would take better care of yourself'. i need to try this my own way now. i wish things were different. heartbreak sucks. i never thought someone could change me this much. i never thought it would hurt as much now as it did that morning...