'wake up naked drinking coffee making plans to change the world while the world is changing us
it was good good love
we used to laugh under the covers maybe not so often now
the way i used to laugh with you was loud and hard
stay or leave i want you not to go...'

but he did. i loved lying in bed next to him. i loved waking up next to him. he always used to get up before me. at least during the summer he would. he would make coffee and by the time i pulled myself out of bed he'd be in the kitchen either fixing his breakfast or cleaning up. i would just sit with my coffee watching him and thinking about how amazing he is.

i miss the butterflies.

i miss him.

i'm pretty sure he hates me now. i don't understand. i tried. apparently i was supposed to know what he wanted and what he was thinking. he doesn't want me in his life right now. i deleted his number so i don't call or text now. he's gone.

so i try to keep myself busy. i think ballet is going to be a very good thing. i felt good when i left last night. i'm sore as hell today and glad for it. i feel like i'm trying to pull myself out of a hole. i feel like i'm finally building muscle. i need shoes and tights by monday. i want the discipline and i want the body and i want the strength. i can't think about anything but dance when i'm there. too bad its only two days a week...