power triping

the people i work with drive me to drink. on an incessant power trip, they do everything within their power to make my job more difficult to complete and then get upset when i get mad about it. i'm a little sick of this. i have the appropriate clearances for everything and they've taken 'privelleges' away-the same 'privelleges' that i need to complete things in a timely fashion and it's beginning to interfere with the quality of my work.

and that really upsets me.

and i'm over it.

happy

i have almost everything i want. which is perfect. i still have some things to work for and at the same time i'm really happy. i love work. i love school. i love my family. i never realized i could love a kid as much as i love my soon-t0-be niece. i'm really glad my brother found someone who is a good fit for him. i adore his girlfriend. i never thought i'd be this happy.

there is one thing i want that may or may not happen. i'm okay with that i think.

i still miss him, but i'm really glad we're talking now. i don't understand why but i'm stuck.

and i'm okay with that right now.

no regrets

friday will be two months. still in love. still stuck. as bad as it hurt, as bad as it still hurts, i'm glad we're talking again. i miss him. i missed him. it's crazy. he says i'm crazy. maybe i am. i can see him for what he really is. he's human. he's not perfect. he doesn't pretend to be perfect. he doesn't try to make himself seem more important or anything like that i know he's gonna be there no matter what happens if i need him whether we're together or not and i also know that he's gonna piss me off on a regular basis and i'm never entirely sure what to think with him but a lot of the time i know where he's coming from and i know where something's going just bc i know how he thinks about somethings. this is the problem with being very analytical. i am inadvertantly attracted to the most unpredictable, challenging, frustrating people.

time is really a strange thing.

time

sometimes i feel like i don't really belong. sundays are my days. i can spend the day doing whatever i want. usually i sleep as late as i can and then i'll get up and shower and go to starbucks to sit and read or study or write or all of that. i feel like i'm not really part of life. like i'm somehow watching but not really there. almost like a ghost or a shadow. it's not lonely or creepy or anything like that. i just feel separate from the rest of the world. it's not lonely but it is sort of sad. the calm and accepted sad that just kind of comes with knowing what's missing. i hide in memories. i let myself get absorbed in books. i wonder what the world would think if they saw what i see. how odd i must seem to everyone else. i try to surround myself in beautiful oddities-art, music, jewelry, books, clothes... it helps a little. after more than a month i thought i'd feel better than i do. no one's ever had this sort of impact. now i look back and think about what it would be like to go back to any one of the times i fell in love. i wish for that time back. but there is no going back now.

who knew you could fall in love with the same person so many times in just a few months?

ignorance-a rant about american stupidity

i find it slightly disturbing that so many take so much for granted here. i've lived overseas and where i was, most people thought americans are glutenous, selfish, ignorant people who are incapable of recognizing what we have here. education is not free everywhere. clean water is not free everywhere. mosquito nets are not just for decoration everywhere-in some parts of the world they are an integral part of disease prevention. as a nation, we are supposed to be world leaders in so much-medical innovation, technology, research... but we can't even produce students who can tell you the difference between an asterisk and an ampersand or do long division. swear to god, had a girl in an UPPER LEVEL course who couldn't calculate blood alcohol concentration because she didn't have a calculator and couldn't remember how to do long division. so these are the students we're not only passing through a BASIC education, we're handing them COLLEGE DEGREES and then we wonder why the rest of the world looks at us with total and utter disgust. the average 'middle class' home where i lived in the carribean was a two room shack which may or may not have indoor plumbing. a carton of orange juice was $14 Bajan which is $7 US. these people call cable tv 6 or 7 channels, half of which will be in a language other than one you understand. sure, it's a tropical paradise, but work is hard to find and everything is rediculously expensive. and i know it gets a lot worse than that in other parts of the world.

and yet, so many americans walk around like they are entitled to so much. but they shouldn't have to accomplish anything. of course not. 'i'm not going to college so i don't need to know how to do basic algebra or understand the scientific method or know any proper grammar.' sorry, a house or apartment with air conditioning and cable and electric is not owed to you simply because you were born in the states. health care and wellfare checks are not owed to you because you were born in the states. i can understand and sympathize with people who need help getting back on their feet or really, truly can't do it on their own. if you make no effort to improve your situation, you don't deserve a thing. if you are unwilling to learn the skills necessary to hold a stable job with a livable salary, you have no right to bitch about being stuck in the ghetto. there are opportunities and resources available to those who really want to find and utilize them.

it's the people like the girl living on my couch (and her ex boyfriend) who really piss me off. she's 20 and he's 22. they live off of his unemployment checks. both are more than capable of working, yet neither do. he's 'going back to school' and mommy and daddy pay for everything. she quit her job in august and has been living in my living room and watching mtv all day for the past two months. nobody owes them a goddamned thing but they still love to cry about how hard life is. while both of my parents may have serious faults, both have (and have instilled in us) a tremendous work ethic.

i am not afraid to work for what i want and i am proud to give back to organizations that make a difference in kids' lives.

fall

fall is normally my favorite time of year. this year, it's a little rough for me. i don't want to deal with the holidays this year. i don't really want to go out. i make myself though, because i know i need to. i have fun while i'm out but...

miss deborah suggested i start dancing 4 days a week. i like that i can't think about anything but ballet when i'm there. it might be a good idea for me. the last week has been a nightmare for me. i'm doing some pretty amazing things every day but something's missing.

the leaves were already changing when we were in ohio. my cousin said there was an inch of snow on her car this morning. it's finally getting cool here. i think after i'm done with school and post doc i need to go somewhere that's not too cold but has seasons. i love seeing the leaves change. i also love going to the beach and just sitting when it's a little cooler out. might limit me when i go to find a job, at least geographically, but i don't think i could be happy away from the water.

i feel a little lost...

i'd rather be dancing

my doctor's office called yesterday to tell me they found some cancerous cells and need to take a closer look. i don't want to know, even if i need to. what if i need chemo or something? i won't have health insurance after this year.

he messaged me last night to let me know he finally got his satin cow mice. he thought i should know. i miss him a lot. every now and then, i'll see something he posts or hear something he says or remember something we did and it's like it's sunday all over again.

like popping stitches. it almost hurts worse each subsequent time...

dance seems to be going pretty well. i need to work on improving flexibility pretty fast. i've been told at each class that my form is beautiful and no one believes me when i tell them i've had no formal training before now. some people laugh at me when i tell them i'm taking ballet to get back into shape. i don't think they have any clue how extremely demanding it is, both physically and mentally. i'm sure it gets a lot easier once you start to automatically do things like remember where your shoulders and hips should be and to tighten every muscle in your core to maintain posture while moving, counting and listening to the instructor. when i'm dancing everything outside of the room and the mirror and the bars and the pointe shoes no longer exists. it requires more focus and more attention than anything else i've ever done. it's definitely a good thing for me and i really love it. i feel so much better about everything after dance. before dance, too. i look forward to dance nights and i feel like a different person when i leave. it's kinda cool actually.

'i feel like i am walking on air'

i'd rather be dancing.

if i had said what i thought, said what i still feel, would it be any different now?

i'm walking through this surreality where i am constantly accosted by memories and thoughts and feelings and i am forced to wonder how much of it is real and how much is nostalgia seen with muted affect. it almost feels like walking through the snow just before the sun comes up when the whole world is still asleep and there's no sound and every color seems dull or tired. but it's not winter and it doesn't snow in florida and the rest of the world sees everything the way it's supposed to be.

'i don't want you in my life right now-or maybe ever.'

i'm waiting for the color to come back...

'wake up naked drinking coffee making plans to change the world while the world is changing us
it was good good love
we used to laugh under the covers maybe not so often now
the way i used to laugh with you was loud and hard
stay or leave i want you not to go...'

but he did. i loved lying in bed next to him. i loved waking up next to him. he always used to get up before me. at least during the summer he would. he would make coffee and by the time i pulled myself out of bed he'd be in the kitchen either fixing his breakfast or cleaning up. i would just sit with my coffee watching him and thinking about how amazing he is.

i miss the butterflies.

i miss him.

i'm pretty sure he hates me now. i don't understand. i tried. apparently i was supposed to know what he wanted and what he was thinking. he doesn't want me in his life right now. i deleted his number so i don't call or text now. he's gone.

so i try to keep myself busy. i think ballet is going to be a very good thing. i felt good when i left last night. i'm sore as hell today and glad for it. i feel like i'm trying to pull myself out of a hole. i feel like i'm finally building muscle. i need shoes and tights by monday. i want the discipline and i want the body and i want the strength. i can't think about anything but dance when i'm there. too bad its only two days a week...

ten days.

ten days and he's still finding ways to hurt me. i went to get my stuff last night. he's not the same person. he doesn't care. 'i don't want you in my life right now-or possibly ever.' i finally figured out how to hide his updates from my news feed on facebook. i didn't bother telling him he completely destroyed me when i went over there last night. there's no point.

i'm not sure which is worse-how much i still care about him or how little he cared about me.

ballet fit tonight. i'm excited, nervous. i hope i'm sore tomorrow. i keep waiting for something to change. anything. now i'm hoping i'll either get what i want from everything i'm doing now or i just won't want it anymore. i don't like anything where you can't clearly see progress or change.

eight days.

i can't cry anymore.

found ballet fit classes right around the corner from my house. fuck the therapists who say it's not a good idea. i had major issues in rehab because i didn't want to give up that much control over my life. they told me it was normal and that i had to to get better. how much better did i really get if i'm having problems now? i mean, yeah i gained weight and stopped running for hours on end but now i have this disgusting drive to drop 10 pounds. i can't lose 10 pounds and i know it. i'm afraid to try to work out on my own because i don't want to completely overdo it. i was told ballet would further damage my body image. that's what i want to look like and that's how i want to feel and it's not unrealistic for my body type. if i go back to dancing, i can't quit eating. body cannot handle the demands i'd be putting on it without food. seems like a more effective way of dealing with it than what they wanted me to do: low impact, calming, zen. um, no. not demanding enough for me. if there is no demand and no challenge, i fail miserably because i lose interest and/or can't see the point of putting forth the effort. i need to be able to work toward something or i start to see my confidence fade. well, it's practically gone now.

i miss him and part of me wants to hate him. i can't though. 'i wish you would take better care of yourself'. i need to try this my own way now. i wish things were different. heartbreak sucks. i never thought someone could change me this much. i never thought it would hurt as much now as it did that morning...

so i'm seriously trying not to care. it's not working. what to do now? hmmm... becoming totally self-absorbed sounds good right now... maybe that'll work. he thinks i'm terrible and annoying and everything. i knew i was making a huge mistake. i knew he was going to hurt me. he told me to trust him. how freaking stupid of me.

i need to change something.

i guess it doesn't matter what happened. i went to the mall yesterday and felt a lot better after a trip to the MAC counter. think i just started a new love affair... the girl there was so cool. i'll be going back when i get paid. scheduled an appointment with beatriz. i want my long hair back but for now i want all of my streaks back. i think i want her to put more of the really dark streaks in this time. i really wish i could hate him but i can't. i know i didn't do anything and he's just lost his mind but that doesn't help me much right now. ross made a comment that made me realize minimal effort on my part makes a huge difference in how people see me. thought that was pretty cool. no one ever says anything so it didn't always seem worth my while. i was 20 before anyone told me i was pretty. i don't wanna be the girl next door anymore, so i won't be.

small changes. huge results.

trim down. tone up.

lather. rinse. repeat.

add coffee and loud music and watch her go...

for a little while, i didn't feel alone.

i rolled over and shut off the alarm. read the text but it didn't really sink in. i reread the text as i walked back to the living room after getting a drink. it sunk in and i felt like all of the air was being sucked out of my lungs and i just collapsed. my legs didn't work anymore and everything hurt. i could not stop crying. i tried and i couldn't. i feel stupid. i feel alone. i have never been as hurt as i am right now. i trusted him and i believed what he said and he bailed. just walked away. somehow, i managed to make it through today without crying even though i'm ripped apart inside. even if he knew how bad i hurt right now i doubt he'd care at all. he's just not into it anymore. i was happy with him. my favorite thing in the world was when we were lying in bed and he just held on to me or ran his fingertips up and down my back. i got butterflies every single time he kissed me. i really did trust him and i really believed him when he said on the way home that he wouldn't hurt me. can i go back to the beginning of july? i didn't know anything could hurt this much.

i wish i could hate. he hasn't responded to anything all day. if he doesn't respond, then he has the control. whatever. i know tomorrow he'll tell all of his friends i'm crazy and it's all my fault. i'm needy i'm sure. i just wanted to go out with him. i just wanted some time with him and not with him and all of his friends. now i don't know what to say. i didn't think i was asking much. i feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs. i want to get in bed and stay there for a week. this is so hard. i trusted him. he asked me to trust him and i did. i was comfortable with him and that had never happened before. i got butterflies when he kissed me and nothing could upset me when i was lying in bed with him. now i just feel completely abandoned. i loved going to get lunch with him. i loved just watching tv with him. but he "can't do this anymore" and i'm crushed.

he just completely walked away. it's not worth it to try because everytime i find someone i like and like to go out with they walk away. so i'm done. i'm trying to hold it together because there's no use crying over spilled milk but it's not easy and i didn't think it would hurt this bad. one of the few times in my life i feel like i've actually lost something.

i'm sure all he feels is relief.

5:15 this morning my alarm goes off because i forgot to turn it off. i have a text. i check the text. i have been up since 5:15 because i couldn't go back to sleep. disappointment and hurt have totally taken over at this point.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm just not into it. We'll discuss it in person asap. Sorry, just need to be honest."
fuck his honesty. he sat there and told me how i could trust him and how he wouldn't lie to me. i could tell him when i want to go out and we'd go out. i'm amazing. he gave me this whole song and dance on the way home from ohio about how great i am and how cool he thinks i am.

guess not.

so there are a few people who truly appreciate everything i do for them and tell me they appreciate it. the band moms i help are the absolute best! i'm working another rays game on sunday because one of the moms got sick and they have no one who knows how to do money now. this works fantastically for me because i can sit and study in between drops and stuff. the moms have always said thank you and always tell me how much it means to them that i help. the kids think its kinda cool that i still show up and help when i can. it gives me the opportunity to show them that they can do a lot with very little and if they want something they can have it if they work for it. they also see that i don't need to be there and i'm only there to give back to a program that made a difference for me. the extracuriculars that kids are involved in are so hugely important to their development as individuals. many teach things like hard work and cooperation and dedication. these programs teach commitment and perseverance. these kids see people donating their time and their money and their knowledge to help them grow and that makes a difference to them. one of the kids asked why i work the rays games with them. i told them i think it's very important to give back and to 'be the change you want to see in the world'. i don't have the musical or marching tallent to help them on the field but i can help them raise their fees. i can't write a check and i can't hand over money but i can do something to help them and i feel it's important that every child who wants to be involved in something like the band have that opportunity. this is how kids learn. this is how we create changes in society. i really feel volunteering is important because it benefits so many. so i might not be directly compensated for the time i put in.

last year, i had a student tell me that he wouldn't have submitted his college applications if i hadn't yelled at him. he said that as we were walking from the music department to the student center on campus. i suddenly remember the last marching competition of his senior year in high school. i asked him where he was going to college and where he had applied. he told me he hadn't because he thought he couldn't write a good entrance statement. i told him he was being really stupid for one of the smartest kids i've worked with and i'd definitely be willing to review his statement if he thought he needed help. i didn't think anything of it, but it made a huge difference for him. he gets his bachelor's degree in another year and a half.

i know what seems small to one person can be life-altering to another.

today will be a 12 hour day at work with no break. but i still don't work hard enough and don't do enough here. i've sacrificed relationships and given more than maybe i should have to succeed here. yet, i don't seem to have anything to show for everything i've given up. what i do have right now is a rediculous stress level, a boyfriend who won't talk to me, more work than i know what to do with and an almost desperate hope of escaping a lot of this for even a day. but that won't happen. i am trapped beneath the never-ending barrage of school work and work work and have no one who will go out with me when i can manage to pretend i'm not here for a few hours. i do too much for too many people. there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. there's nothing there for me at the beginning of the day. i used to dream about doing things and going places. now it all seems very naive. i used to believe the things he said about me. now i think i trust too easily and must truly be stupid. if he meant what he said, he'd be here. he'd talk to me. how stupid of me to think that someone would think that highly of me.

no one notices how much i do or how hard i try, but everyone is incredibly quick to point out where i've screwed up or let them down.

limbo

i'm so glad my ex is a better friend than he ever was boyfriend. we talked last night. i know how i'm going to handle work issues now. i'm beyond what i'm willing to handle with them. now i'm not sure what to do about my boyfriend. it seems like everything he said on the way back from ohio was total and complete bullshit. i never know what to think and lately it seems like he's been irritated with me but won't talk to me about it. makes perfect sense. so i ask and i get no response. i like him a lot. i'm left with no answers and minimal communication. one would think i'd get used to hanging out in limbo. i seem to spend a lot of time here...

the joys of work...

i am expected to do and know and solve and schedule and trouble-shoot and produce a lot of things at work. in order to accomplish this i am supposed to be psychic and capable of reading volumes of previous work and have everyone's schedule memorized and know how to do a lot of very complex calculations in my head instantaneously. i am supposed to possess U.N. negotiation skills and have the efficiency of a small army and know how to fix any little thing that is broken. i am expected to sacrifice a personal life and forget i know people outside of work and pretend i don't need a lunch break. i am supposed to memorize catalogues of stuff we may order and take messages for everyone and remember exactly how much of everything we need for each project. i am expected to master all of the various solutions used at any given point in time and understand that everyone else's work/school will be more important than mine.

so while i'm fixing and solving and negotiating and mediating and reading and figuring and scheduling and producing and troubleshooting and calculating and doing am i supposed to wonder if i've made a huge mistake?

feel it, breathe it, believe it and you'll be walking on air
go try, fly so high and you'll be walking on air
you feel this unless you kill this
go on and you're forgiven
i knew that i could feel that
i feel like i am walking on air

i am walking on air

~kerli